Entries from June 2007 ↓

   Lately I’ve been going through a period in my life that I’m really just re-evaluating everything in my life. I keep mentally going over the decisions in my life that have taken me to the point I am at now. I’m reminiscing about people, places, events, etc. that are no longer in my life.

   Let me back-track a bit… recently I discovered that a guy that I dated for several summers growing up’s little brother (whom I loved) died in a car accident where he fell asleep at the wheel. Thinking about this brought up so many emotions that I totally didn’t expect to come out. I feel sincere and total sadness that he died. I mean, I am definitely grieving for this poor boy and his family. It is also reminding me how short life is, and making me re-evaluate my life so that if I died tomorrow, I would be doing what I wanted and was supposed to do. I am re-evaluating how I treat other people, for if they died tomorrow, would I be proud of the way that I treated them, and feel good about our relationship? It is also bringing forth a melancholy feeling that the boy that I used to care so much for is so sad, and angry. Add to that, seeing all of the people from my ‘previous’ life, took me back to a different point in my life, when my life and focus was 100% different from the life I am living today. Then it was all about me, how I felt, and what made me happy Today it is 100% not about myself. I found myself reminiscing and missing that part of my life. I would definitely never want to go back to that point. I am so much more fulfilled now. However, I don’t think either way of thinking is really healthy. I think life is about balance, and finding a balance between others and yourself.

  For as much of a planner, and control-freak as I am, I haven’t ever really planned anything in my life. Oh yeah, the day to day decisions are covered down to a "T", however the major things in life I usually make by how I feel about it. Probably not the best, or most mature way of thinking. But it’s what I’ve always done. So far, I’m pretty confident they have been good decisions. I am happy with my husband, my children, my life. But sometimes not thinking about things deeply doesn’t leave room for things that need planning to happen.

   I got married really young, and became a mother really young as well. I wouldn’t trade those decisions for the world, and would give up everything the world has to offer, in exchange for these things, if i were asked. Thankfully, that is not asked of us, and I think that I’ve never really taken the them to care for myself, and turn myself into the person that I truly want to be. I know that I can do that as a wife and mother, however I have to take that extra step that sometimes feels uncomfortable to take. As a wife, and especially as a mother, it is easy to fall into the day-to-day, and hide behind the mothering title, and make no work on myself as an individual. Day to day can leave you so exhausted that you don’t have time to stop and think about what you’re doing next week, let alone three years from now, or what you want to do when the kids grow up. To do so, would have to be a conscious effort. But really, I think it is an effort that I should make. Life is going by so fast, and I know it only gets faster as time goes by. Before I know it, I will be 60, and looking back, and wondering where time went. I think if we don’t plan things for ourselves, they won’t just happen by themself. That is one regret I know my mother has. In fact, we talked about it today.

  College is courting me. I wrote to them and told them what I thought. And it was a dang good letter. They want me now. They are sorry. Please, would I come to their college and give them a second chance. Gosh, it was so hard to make the decision in the first place, that I would go. I was afraid. Then when they said what they did, I felt like the decision was made for me, and I have to be honest that I felt relieved. College would be stretching me. Mentally and emotionally. But I really think later, I would be better off for it. But I’m freaking skeered. So I play mental ping-pong all day long.

  I also want to make some more friends. I have started to do that in the past several weeks. Socially, I’m awkward. I think I’m a good friend. But when I don’t know someone well, I put up walls, and it gives off this "I’m fine the way I am. I don’t need more friends. I’m happy exactly like I am." attitude. I don’t mean it, but I feel vulnerable with people I’m not extremely close to, and that is my armor. But I’m trying.

   Just within the past few months have I begun to listen to my own music again. Not children’s songs, but stuff that I enjoy. It makes my heart happy to listen to my music, and I’m sad I ever stopped.

  I’ve started reading again. Ignoring the housework for a few hours a week, and just getting lost in a book. It has been refreshing to my mind.

  I love that I am making some money again (through payu2blog. Unfortunately for you all. *heh*), and that I can have some cash to do whatever I want with. Even if I spend it on groceries, it feels good to know *I* earned it!

   I want to plan some things. Some life goals. Some things that will work on making Carrie a better individual. Something to look forward to in that next phase of life that I will enter when my kids go to school. Right now they are truly 98% of my identity. I want to step out of my comfort zone and face the world and become passionate for it. I think in doing so, I will give my husband a better wife, and my kids a better mother. And myself a better self.

(payu2blog assignment)

I want every single piece of furniture in the photographs that came up when I clicked on the Century Furniture link. I guess I’d need a house to match the furniture though, right? It would look pretty hilarious in my ‘cottage’ that I currently reside in. Oh well though, maybe no one would notice the juice stains on the carpet, and the goldfish cracker crumbs if I had such majestic furniture though.

(payu2blog assignment)

Since I’m brilliant, intelligent, and genius, I know that all of you are as well. That’s why I’m confident that at least one of you is a member of the molecular biology community. If you are, that would mean that you are in need of synthetic  DNA (I totally knew this existed!), peptides, and antibodies. Whoever you are, I wish you luck in your researching. Don’t forget to thank me later, for being an intricate part in your research.

Hey, loyal readers! I just wanted to thank you for putting up with my blog advertising. I tried to create catagory tags at the end of my payu2blog posts, so you would be able to distinguish the ads from the real posts, but they weren’t showing up for some reason. I started adding a little tag that says (payu2blog assignment) at the top of each my posts, so you are aware, before you read the entire thing, what it is.

I have to say that I am super impressed with www.payu2blog.com. They pay me $5 per post, and even more for special assignments that I take on. It is so wonderful being able to write, something I enjoy, for money! It also has been stretching my brain a little, as I am trying to make the posts sound like something I would actually write about, rather than an ad. I like that challenge.

If you are interested in blog advertising, I totally suggest sending in your blog to these guys. They are 100% legit, as I have received two payments from them already. It may take them a while to get back to you if you are approved, but don’t give up.

(payu2blog assignment)

Yesterday I got my picture canvas I told you about in a previous post. The one that was an $89 value that I snagged for free, just for reviewing this product for www.canvasondemand.com on my blog.

Ordering it was a snap. I was surprised at how many options there were to choose from. You could even choose to customize the edges of your canvas to match something in your photograph! You could also throw in a frame for not that much more. Another cool option that I almost decided to pay the extra fee and do, was to give it a watercolor effect. That special effect was really cool, and really realistic looking — like it was actually painted.

I was also very impressed with their customer service. I had to call to make sure I had done the order correctly, and the woman that answered the phone was extremely friendly and helpful. She also pulled my photo up on her computer and asked me about editing it so that the entire photo would fit on the canvas and nothing would be cut off (since digital cameras do not take photos meant to be standard sizes, like film cameras do).

I think it took five days from the days I ordered it, until the day I received it. So super fast shipping, and it was packaged very nicely!

My parents were here when I opened it, and they were super impressed. My mom asked me how much it cost, and I told her how much it would cost to buy it, and she said "I totally believe it. It is worth every penny of that!".

I am already thinking ahead about getting them one for an anniversary gift. Whether it be just of them, or of our whole family.

Hubby came home and was equally impressed and hung it right away. It makes a great addition to our living room (otherwise known as ‘Shrine of Forest and Warrior!").

Payu2Blog asked me to show a picture of it in this post. I am going to do so, however please forgive the quality of the photo, and the distance of the canvas from the lens. I have kind of adapted a no-kids-photo-on-blog policy, so I didn’t take a close-up of it. I wish I could have though, to show you the quality of the piece.