Entries from October 2008 ↓

It’s 11pm, and I’m sitting here nursing my babe to sleep. (Actually, she’s using me as a human pacifier, but what do I care, at least her eyes are closed. And that’s a good thing, since she doesn’t sleep. And I mean that. I timed her yesterday and during the day she slept a total of 22 minutes all day long. So there. I’m not even lying.) As I was saying, I was sitting here very quietly so not to wake the baby who was using me as the human pacifier, and in the background I hear the children softly singing Bible songs in unison in the other room. Oh wait, err, I mean, they were watching Noggin because Noggin is ”just like preschool on television” (they said it, so it must be true!), and because I’m an awesome mom like that. And I just about think I can pull her off of me without waking her and have her dissolve into hysterics all the while rooting around wildy with her eyes closed, and Warrior comes bounding into the room hollering at the top of his lungs,”Boo turned off the TV! And there’s another show coming on. ANOTHER SHOW! And HE turned it OFFFFFFFFFF!” Forest (also known as Boo), comes in calmly and says “I turned it off because it’s The Upside Down Show and that thing scares me. I think it might be the reading and sign language skills or something. They scare me.” And all the sudden Warrior stops screaming and looks up and gives his brother the dirtiest look and says “Wellll, reading and sign language skills do NOT scare me!”

 So there you have it, people.

From this little moment we have learned:

A. Noggin is on day and night. Therefore, it allows parents to let children be baby-sat by “Just like preschool on television” 24-7.

B. I am desperate to sleep and will do anything, including and up to being a human pacifier for as long as it takes to make baby who likes to suck a lot sleep.

C. Forest is not afraid to admit he’s afraid.

D. Warrior is not above lording his intelligence, especially over his big brother.

E.  And this might be the most important and note worthy thing: Just as soon as you think your baby is asleep, never fail, his/her siblings will wake her up and all will be lost. So you will resume your role as human pacifier for eternity.

It’s been cold here. Snow cold. We’ve had to get out coats, hats and gloves again. Every year I am reminded of how much I despise Winter.

Last Sunday morning we went to church all bundled in our winter clothing. After church it had warmed up. I bundled up the boys, but threw my coat over my shoulder.

I was hanging up my dress coat later in the day and thought to myself how soft it was. “Wow, this coat is better quality than I remember.” Yeah, it should have struck a warning bell, but it didn’t.

Later that same evening, I put it on again to go to the store. “Wow, this coat is bigger than I remember.” Yeah, it should have struck another warning bell, but it didn’t.

So this morning I went to get it out and thought “Hmmm, these pockets are totally different, this must be my husband suit jacket”, so I decided to look at the tag. It was a women’s coat, but it was size 1X. It was not my coat.

Apparently, I’ve been walking around all week, wearing someone else’s coat. I can only hope that whomever’s coat I swiped did not see me take it and put it on, and wonder what the heck I was doing with their coat.

Today I had my aunt sneak it back to church and hang it up. I don’t want to be seen on Sunday morning with the thing.

I thought maybe my coat would still be there hanging up, but it wasn’t. I’m thinking that come Sunday morning, I’ll probably find my coat hanging up there too. Poor woman probably got ready for work the next day and tried to find her coat and couldn’t fit into mine.

I hope my coat comes back home to me.

   I may or may not have posted about my lump issues. When Warrior was first born and I was breastfeeding him, I had this huge lump appear. Not a clogged milk duct lump or anything like that - just a lump that felt bigger/smaller depending on how full I was. I went to my Ob/Gyn and he told me not to worry about it. It always made me a big anxious in the back of my mind, and I was very curious as to what it would do when I was done BF’ing. When I was done, it shrunk considerably and I could barely feel it. Fast-forward to Fancy Cheek’s delivery and the whole breastfeeding thing again… the lump comes back. A month or so ago, I went to the Ob/Gyn again, just to have him take another look (feel??) at it. He tells me it’s probably a cyst, and he would try and aspirate it when I’m done BF’ing. Except he tells the nurse there taking notes that “it’s probably a fibroidanoma” (which I don’t think can be aspirated??). On my way out the door, he says “I’ll see you back in 3 months.” I called them back the other day to see if that meant I needed to stop BF’ing in 3 months, or he just wanted to examine it again. It was the latter. Anyway, so there’s that lump.

  And on a totally unrelated lump issue.. About 2 years ago, I noticed a lump under my arm. I saw several doctors before anyone would take me seriously, and finally a doctor did schedule an ultrasound, and said that it was a lymph node 1 mm in size. Within normal range. And they would test my blood to make sure everything looked good, which it did, and then dismiss it as ‘odd, but probably normal’. So a month or two ago, I notice another lymph node in my neck, smaller this time though. Much smaller.  I made an appt. with my GP and he feels it. He says it’s small enough that it definitely is in normal proportions, however because of the swollen node under the arm, they want to keep an eye on it, and they’ll see me back in 6 months.

   The good thing in this all is that several doctors have all come to the same conclusions, I’ve had many blood tests, don’t have any alarming symptoms, except… I belong to my mother’s family, which means I worry. Worry, worry, worry… worry that perhaps I’m getting my mother’s cancer (which can be hereditary), worry I’m missing some big disease and I’ll be sorry later for not being more thorough at getting it checked out (although I’ve seen so many doctors about it, I don’t know how I could be more thorough…), etc. There really is no reason I should worry, and it being something bad is such a small, small chance. But since my mother was diagnosed, I feel jaded. I feel kind of like I did after the first miscarriage. The same way the next pregnancy (which also resulted in miscarriage), and subsequent ones after that all had me so nervous. It feels like you lose a peice of your innocence, and you know bad things really can happen. Even if they probably won’t, you worry they might.

   It came to a head the other day when I just was overcome with anxiety. I had to employ a technique a wonderful counselor at Catholic Charities taught me when I was a teenager… (God bless Catholic Charities!) - she said “Imagine your greatest fear has come true. If you imagine the worst, it can’t get any worse, right, it can only get better. And then deal with the worst. It will make you powerful. It will help erase your fear, because you know you can deal with it.” So as morbid as it sounds, I let myself go there. I let myself imagine the worst thing the lumps could mean and I let myself be there for a few minutes. And I know it might sound like I was faithless, or weak, but I promise you, I’m not.  I allowed my inner strength and my faith in God to fight down the issues that were causing my fears, and remind me that no matter what ever comes my way in life, I’m not weak, and I have the strength to deal with it all. I mean, like in regards to physical possessions, we buy things like home owner insurance, not because we truly thinks something bad will happen, but we do so because God forbid it ever did, we’d want to be prepared. Kind of the same thought process… and it actually works for someone who has a weakness for severe anxiety.

  Now I’m not saying that I’m not going to back in six months to my General Practitioner for the arm/neck nodes, or the Ob/Gyn to get my breast lump aspirated. I’m still Anxious Ol’ Carrie, and I never don’t follow doctor’s orders. But I feel peace about it. I feel powerful. I don’t feel cowardness or a sense of dread. I’m not obsessively feeling lumps… and that feels good.

I saw this on Julie’s blog and thought I’d steal it.

Outside My Window… car lights

I am thinking… I am tired and I don’t feel like brushing the snow off the car in the morn. I need one of those car covers or something.

I am thankful for… a good husband.

From the kitchen…A soft glow from the light above the sink

I am wearing…my jeans, white socks, and an Old Navy shirt of my husband’s that shrunk up when I dried it. *muhahha*

I am creating…a float for the halloween parade. Okay, actually it’s a wagon decorated to look like a scene from Super Mario Bros. 3. That counts, right?

I am going…to sleep soon.

I am reading…For Women Only; what you need to know about the inner lives of men. (To amuse my FIL who gave a book to each my husband and myself. His being about women of course.)

I am hoping…that my baby doesn’t wake up every 30 minutes tonight.

I am hearing…the baby squealing in the background

Around the house…I need to wash the dishes, put a load of laundry away, and pick up the toys.

One of my favorite things…sleep. (You caught me at a weak moment.)

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:planning a Mario birthday party, haircuts for the boys, two playdates, homeschool co-op, story hour, cooking club, halloween parade
 

Here is a picture thought I am sharing…

Sitting in her highchair, all happy, go lucky.

Catching sight of the spoon with the food on it. Mind you, not even being fed the food, just looking at it, brings this reaction.