This morning I was reading the advice column in the O Magazine that Dr. Phil writes. I am going to share with you one particular question and answer that really stood out to me. (I’ll give you more details after you read it for yourself.)
Q: I am 33 years old, and after 2 grueling years of tests and procedures, have decided to start undergoing fertility treatments. Meanwhile, many of my friends have gotten pregnant and had children. Though it didn’t bother me at first, socializing with them gets more difficult the longer I am involved in the heartbreaking cycle of infertility. I’m at the point where it’s too painful to be around them, yet I know isolating myself isn’t helpful either. I don’t want to lose my girlfriends, but I can’t plaster on a fake smile through one more baby shower or listen to these women complain about how hard motherhood is. Please help.
A: I can see how trying it must be to have friends who are enjoying something you want so desperately. But in my view, refusing to be happy for them reflects poorly on you. They’ve done nothing wrong, and your resentment towards them gets you no closer to your goal.
One of the most common mistakes people make is what I call misdirecting frustration. You often see this when someone is aggravated at work and takes it out on a spouse - a handy and safe target at the end of a bad day. What I mean is that you’re misplacing the pain you’re experiencing: This is about you, not your friends. If you took away all their children, would you feel any better? Of course not.
You need to choose to be at peace with the fact that some of your peers have already reached this milestone. distancing yourself from y our friends is a bad idea; these people are dear to you, and their support will be even more important when your time comes. It sounds as if you’re moving in the right direction to achieve your dream of getting pregnant, so give yourself credit for being proactive. Simply knowing you’re doing all you can do should help you accept that it’s out of your hands now, and you’ll have a baby, or, when you’re ready, consider exploring other alternatives.
Reading this just made me so angry inside. I remember clearly, feeling this woman’s pain. Trying for 18 months, getting pregnant, losing that pregnancy, trying for 18 more months, getting pregnant, losing that pregnancy. I honestly had lost hope, and it pained me deeply to see other pregnant women, or women with babies. No, I would never wish those women didn’t have those children! And no, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy for them! It simply meant that it hurt, and was a blatant reminder of what I could not achieve. The question-asker, never said that she wasn’t happy for her friends, she just said it hurt her. I think suggesting that because it hurts her, she’s refusing to be happy with them is stupid! Not being able to conceive is a grief! Can you imagine some-one’s spouse dies, and then two of their friends asking them to go out with them and their husbands, and the widow saying she couldn’t because it was just too painful. Would we suggest that she was refusing to be happy for them, or would we say it reflected on her poorly? And comparing someone taking out the pain of their bad day on their spouse is not even remotely the same thing as someone being pained to see people with children. I don’t even think the two can be logically compared.
I am not suggesting that it would be a great thing for everyone in the throes of this grief to hole themselves up inside and never come out! That certainly would not be healthy. However they are times that the meer sight of a obviously pregnant woman, or a fresh newborn can just be too overwhelming to fake happiness through. I remember after my second m/c, leaving a play early, that I really wanted to see, because my friend brought along her 7 month pregnant friend. The pain was too all consuming. No, I wasn’t unhappy at her or towards her. It was *my* situation I was unhappy with! Call it healthy, call it not. And I agree that it would not be healthy to live in this place long-term, but come on, Dr. Phil!
People who have never experienced pregnancy loss, or the trials of infertility should never, ever, degree or not, tell the grieving person what they should or should not be feeling. And they should definitely never judge! In my opinion, he comes across way too flippant, too black and white, too cold in this article. Especially the last sentence or two which states that because the woman is seeking fertility treatments that she should move on, and forget about it. It’s out of your hands. So don’t worry about whether or not you’re going to have a baby. Go to that baby shower and smile! You can do nothing about your pain. HELLO! Doesn’t he realize that is the horrible part of grieving - you’ve done all you can do and sometimes it is just not enough. Thatis exactly what hurts. But not to worry, because if you can’t, you can just start seeking other alternatives. Because that is *so* easy and cheap, and if you never experience pregnancy and you want to, that doesn’t really matter, because if you keep this up, *gasp* it might reflect poorly on you.
Two thumbs down, Dr. Phil. I think you’d be better of giving advice on something like used cisco or something. Argh.
5 comments ↓
You’ve done such a lovely job of ranting here, there’s not much left for me to say.
I never liked that Dr. Phil anyway.
I really hate Dr. Phil. I mean, I already did. This is a good example of why.
Usually I am a huge Dr P fan , but he is a man…plain and simple . He will never know what it feels like to be the “childless couple” or hear all the (rude, inconsiderate) questions you hear when you are infertile. He will never know the longing when you look at another woman’s belly or beautiful baby bouncing on their lap. This is too much of a trigger topic for me , so I will just say…I agree with you Carrie ! Two thumbs d-o-w-n for Dr Phil!
There is no way that a man can have any type of inkling of this type of hurt. Any woman that I have known totally understands when their friends withdraw in these situations. And if they don’t at first, they normally come around.
Not only was I jealous of women who were pregnant, I wished them ill will. In all seriousness, I did. I wanted them to hurt as badly as I did. It took time. I worked through it. It was horrible. In some ways worse than losing my dad.
I always hate “expert” advice on things. I mean, how do you possibly come up with The Answer for something that everyone responds to so differently. And, I completely agree, his response is, at least in part, due to the fact that he is a man.
I only had 8 weeks of “potential infertility” between when I miscarried and found out I was pregnant again. But the not knowing is agonizing, not to mention the thoughtless comments about miscarriage..which I have to believe are completely foot-in-the-mouth sort of things.
On the flip side, when I was pregnant and had friends who were struggling with getting pregnant, I hated having “survivor guilt”—I had to suppress my joy and delight so as not to offend….it’s tough on either side for different reasons.